Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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