a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
