just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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