Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
