I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
