Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
