I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
