fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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