I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
