new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
