I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
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Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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