This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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