Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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