Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
