i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
