her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is my gift to your gina
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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