Can i not drive my cunt home
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
