I hate your face
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
