Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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