I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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