Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
