Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
