I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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