i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
