I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
