hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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