just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Farmville is her only friend.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
