What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
