like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
honey bunches of taint.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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