So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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