Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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