I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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