Please, let me fuck your mom
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
