You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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