Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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