He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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