My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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