This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
