I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
