you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
