When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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