I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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