I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
