The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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