She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
