I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
