Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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