you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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