I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
