apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
