I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
