every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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