youre lurking in front of me
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
