I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
