his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You dont lie about slip and slides
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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