Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
