So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
