somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
