Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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