Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
