Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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